Serenity..

Some things just seem so unreachable.  Some things you wish you could plug the location into a gps and navigate your way there.  Some places once you get there you wish you could simply make a few clicks and clean it away as easy as a virus on a computer.  


Pain.

It Really Is A Shame...

"...I see through all of you and its so clear..."  Love Eve!

Open Mic...

The Strong Black Woman is Dead!

On August 15, 1999 at 11:55 p.m., while struggling with the reality of being a human instead of a myth, the strong black woman passed away, without the slightest bit of hoopla. Medical sources say that she died of natural causes, but those who knew and used her know she died from: being silent when she should have been screaming, milling when she should have been raging, being sick and not wanting anyone to know because her pain might inconvenience them. An overdose of other people clinging on to her when she didn't even have energy for herself.

When people show you who they are...

I would say 95% of the time when things go bad in a relationship, the female knew it was coming.  We have this tendency to ignore red lights and flashing signs when we meet somebody we think we wanna be with.  You know, those things that tell us "Un un girl he aint the one, RUN!!"  We make excuses for things that really speak for themselves...

Truths and Randoms

"Truth indeed rather alleviates than hurts, and will always bear up against falsehood, as oil does above water..."

It's definitely a boy.  Don't ask me how I know, and as much as I want another girl, I'm convinced this is a boy.  And as the acne takes me back to my teenage years, my belts are a thing of the past and I can no longer see the striations in my abs that I worked so hard for, I find myself smiling at the thought of things to come.  Oh and there's something about this 'glow' that attracts guys that I'll never understand but I will still enjoy every moment.

One of my oldest best friends got married this past weekend in which I was one of her bridesmaids.  They always say weddings do something to people, because even though I did my best to avoid catching the bouquet at the end, I still found myself the recipient of a very sweet proposal from a long time friend. My friends and family think I'm crazy for not accepting, but I do my best to avoid rebound relationships so I gotta sit this one out (for now?).  Did wonders for my spirit though :-)

Now for my not-so-random thought for the day...at what age do people stop blaming others and begin to take responsibility for the things that happen to them?  If you tell a series of lies to multiple people, no matter how 'good' your intentions were when you uttered them, once they become exposed at what point do you blame yourself for telling them, instead of the person that revealed them?  If you find yourself in a relationship or situation with someone who's 'crazy', at what point do you ask yourself if maybe you did anything to make them flip, or maybe even blame yourself for missing obvious signs in the first place?

The more I move around and deal with different people it's so clear to me that maturity is definitely more about state of mind than a date on the calendar, and some 20 year olds have more sense and accountability in their lives than some 40 year olds.  At some point we all have to study the reflection in the glass and evaluate what it is WE did to contribute to the current state of our lives and stop blaming others. Maybe then we won't find ourselves in so many situations that make our lives miserable.  Myself included.

Anywho...just another of my not so randoms...

Nite....

Karma aint the bitch...

I'd say fate is...

So Saturday my boyfriend and I had a huge falling out.  I went looking to find out some things that it was obvious that he'd been hiding, and found out a little more than I bargained for.  I ended up emailing his baby's mom and telling her about us, in an attempt to find out when/if they'd in fact broken up.

When you go looking...

Shouldn't be anything to find!

Changes!

Didn't realize it'd been so long since I'd written anything.  Looking back at old posts I see that some things have changed.  But hey the more they change...well...

So I got rid of X...big surprise.  Just couldn't take the drama and the theatrics.  I need to be in a relationship where I can be the female, no role reversals here. 

Celebrated my 30th in Las Vegas over Labor Day weekend.  Can't believe I am now in a new decade but hey, the tears have dried and I'm now trying to see what I can do to make my 30's as memorable as my 20's were.  I figured in Vegas I would just lose my mind doing all kinds of crazy shit, but the craziest I got was being drunk off my ass one night and having to be escorted to my room. (Side note I'm SO done with Belvedere.)

Lets see what else has happened.  OH...met up with Blue while I was in Vegas.  No real sparks to report there but I did find that I do still enjoy his company.  Verdict is still out on whether I can press rewind on that relationship but I'm giving it serious thought.  Is it possible for someone who cheated so callously in the past to now be faithful and worthy of a second chance?  Question of the century.  I was kinda hoping to run into his old side chic who was supposed to have been there the same weekend, but no such luck.

Anywho thats it for today as far as updates go bc thats all I feel like typing. Don't know if or when I'll ever go back to Twitter so all my Twitter fam hit me up.

Deuces!

Never a Right Time...

...to say good bye...

So obviously the break didn't work.  2 days into it he ended up calling me and telling me how miserable he was, that not having me to talk to or 'completely' in his life was too hard.  So I said fine, forget the break.  But didnt take a day for us to be back at it again.  Or maybe I should say for him to be on my nerves again and we were arguing.

Maybe the problem is me.  I feel it in my heart that I need to let it go, heard the words come out of my mouth, that we need to let it go, but still can't silence the voice that asks "Are you sure?"

Time To Regroup

So finally something had to give.  In all our talks it finally took my mom to get him to realize that sometimes when you try your hardest to hold tightly on to something you cause the very thing to happen that you were trying to prevent.

 I went home for a week Memorial Day and I won't say we argued the whole time but it was definitely tense.  I stayed with him this time instead of with my mom like I usually do, and just tried to make time to see everybody more than once while I was there.  First major argument came after a trip to the mall when he took me shopping.

I really think...

He is crazy...

That is all for now...

It Aint No Fun...

"...If the homies can't have none..."

So picture a guy in a situation with a girl where they are basically just messing around, not really anything serious.  After a period of time, knowing that the girl is really feeling him, the guy is able to convince the girl into sleeping with his cousin AND one of his boys.  Not at the same time (like a train), but on different occasions she sleeps with both of them.

Ok, at this point you may just be thinking wow, that's some #hoshit (or maybe those are just my thoughts).

I May See Why People Cheat...

And it's crazy for me to admit that as a woman.  But I think I see it.  When I was making my list of things I wanted God to give me, I thought I was pretty specific but now I see I left a few things out.  This dude has a lot going for him but I just cannot get with arguing over every little thing.  When he's upset its like dealing with a child, he sulks and drags things out for days, until he either gets his way or gives up.

Konnichiha!

Day one in Japan on business and I'm excited! It's definitely been an adventure already.  8 hour flight from Hawaii, slept the entire way (thanks to a little assistance from Tylenol PM).  My coworkers and I caught the subway from the airport to our hotel in Tokyo, that was an experience in itself.  Imagine 2 whites and 1 black in a sea of Asian...we stuck out like sore thumbs. 

Paradox

"He was a really great boyfriend except for the fact that he cheated..." 

Makes perfect sense to me, but I guess I can see how one could cancel out the other.  New relationship, we'll call him X, who feels like he can't escape the ghosts of my relationships past.  Namely one ex-boyfriend who I've mentioned here before, we'll call him Blue.  I feel like Blue and I had a really good relationship in terms of conversation, future goals, getting along, and great sex, all except for the fact that when he left to go overseas he started a whole new relationship with someone else that I found out about 5 or 6 months later.  X feels like since he hasn't cheated there should be no comparison to an ex who claimed I was the love of his life but ultimately showed he didn't give a shit about my feelings.  And maybe he's right.  But what good is a past relationship if you don't take some lessons away from it?

Merry? Ha....

Day 3 of being in a hotel, but there is hope!  I couldnt get out of Baltimore on Monday due to the backlog of flights that were cancelled on Saturday during the blizzard.  And let me just take this time to say I will NEVER...EVER..(insert Smokey voice here)...book a flight with Delta Airlines. They are THE most unprofessional, uncoordinated bunch of asses I have ever had to deal with.  There were a number of fights almost started at the airport as a result of their ignorant agents. 

Attempt number 2 to get home to Oklahoma was made on Christmas Eve, but I'll be damned if Oklahoma didnt pick that day to have a blizzard, so they cancelled all flights to and from.  My original plan was to go to San Antonio to kick it with some people I used to be stationed with there.  Then my daughters father (see I usually call him my donor but Im trying to be good) asked me to come to Dallas so she could spend Christmas with him and his family.  Hence the reason I spent a wonderful Christmas with Marriott....staying the night at his house would've been a little too "National Lampoon" like for me.

This is the first Christmas in my 29 years that I've missed a Christmas with my family in the country, but I never would've imagined the cluster that I've dealt with trying to get here.   After all I've been through this holiday season (losing my papa at Thanksgiving and now this), please forgive me if I fail to see what's so 'merry'. 

Hopefully yours was better than mine...

xoxo

And Then They're Gone...

Last Tuesday my grandfather passed away, after a short (or long?) battle with lung cancer. I barely even remember him smoking, he stopped when I was 9 or 10 (a good 20 years ago), but I guess by then the damage was already done because it still caught up with him.

He was that person who was the class clown; always joking and playing, sometimes to the point where we'd say 'Hush Papa you play to much'. So when I went to see him in July when he first went to the hospital, laid up in a drug induced coma with tubes coming out of every opening, it was a hard sight to see. I'm thankful that I got to see him then, and talk to him quite a bit after that, for over the next few months he was in and out until they finally placed him on life support. My grandmother made the hard decision to discontinue it, feeling like we all did, that she was tired of seeing him suffer.

Trey Songz-Invented Sex

*sigh* Cigarette please?

Art Imitates Life?

So after days of 'boycotting' in my own little way, I decided to go ahead and listen to Rhianna's latest single.  Just reading the lyrics on NecoleBitchie I figured it would be hella depressing, but I didnt realize how much until the very end of the song (if you've heard it then you know what I'm referring to).

Slow Love

Ok for all my 80's babies, this one is what I call a throwback. Aside from the short puffy tail in the back and the one gold-trimmed tooth in the front, lol, I love everyhing about this song.  Reminisce with me :-)

xoxo